Yesterday in Pastoral Formation we talked about forgiveness; how it is one of the requirements of being a part of the Christian community. We talked about different ways of expressing our pains, of going about giving/receiving forgiveness. It made me think of a piece I wrote- I actually thought it was older than it is, but oh well. I don't know if it counts as poetry or if it's just a letter of sorts. I think I am hoping that by putting up here, it will help me to move on. I don't know. But here it is.
9.24.2009
To All the Men That Have Hurt Me-
I f*cking hate you.
There, I said it.
I hate you.
You all took things from me you had no right to take.
It was not your right,it was not your choice to make.
It was mine.
And you took that away from me.
You left me broken and afraid, unable to trust.
You left me full of doubts.
You left me with small pieces of me that I won't ever get back.
And I hate you for that.
I am afraid when men make sexual advances.
I shut down when I should burn with passion.
I don't trust people's intentions.
I don't trust myself.
But I can't hate you forever.
Eventually I have to forgive you.
With God's help, I must forgive you.
But it's not that simple
I fail to see how forgiving you will help me.
And, although I am supposed to love you as a child of God,
I sure as hell don't want to.
I am consumed by memories and fear, so much so that I cannot look at one who resembles you.
So:
names ommitted
and any others that may exist past my memory-
I want my pieces back.
Because I need to be at peace.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
All Saint's Sermon
Yes, yes, I know All Saint's Day was weeks ago. I hesitate to even post this still, so much time has gone by, but I've decided to do it anyway.
On November 1 I gave the sermon at the church I am currently serving. Like many pastors, Saturday morning dawned and I did not have a single word on paper. While in the shower, I figured out my sermon outline, intending on writing it as soon as I got finished. However, life got in the way, and it was several hours later before I was able to sit down to write my sermon. By then, all my thoughts had left me, and I was left staring blankly at my computer screen. Taking the advice of a friend, I headed home and back to my place of inspiration: the shower. This was the result:
I think for Christmas I would like those special markers you can get children to play with in the tub...
The final version of my sermon, was, of course, more fleshed out, and not written on my shower wall.
(I was going to post my sermon, but it is rather long...if it would like to read it, let me know, and I will post it).
On November 1 I gave the sermon at the church I am currently serving. Like many pastors, Saturday morning dawned and I did not have a single word on paper. While in the shower, I figured out my sermon outline, intending on writing it as soon as I got finished. However, life got in the way, and it was several hours later before I was able to sit down to write my sermon. By then, all my thoughts had left me, and I was left staring blankly at my computer screen. Taking the advice of a friend, I headed home and back to my place of inspiration: the shower. This was the result:
I think for Christmas I would like those special markers you can get children to play with in the tub...
The final version of my sermon, was, of course, more fleshed out, and not written on my shower wall.
(I was going to post my sermon, but it is rather long...if it would like to read it, let me know, and I will post it).
Sunday, October 25, 2009
It's been a while...so here!
Here is something I had to write for a class. We were supposed to select one (or all) of the Ten Commandments and discuss how it describes and relates to the Hebrew people and the formation of their identity as a people at the time, as well show a connection to the New Testament. In very few words. Mine is a little longer than it should have been, and I may not have completely followed the instructions (which were NOT very clear- not as clear as I just articulated them here), but here it is.
The Seventh and Tenth Commandments
These two commandments reinforce the ongoing male-dominated, patriarchal system that has been presented thus far in the texts. The command to not commit adultery does not initially appear gender-biased until one looks more closely at the tenth commandment.
The tenth commandment states that “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Ex 20:17) This command appears to only apply to free men; men wealthy enough to possess property. Wives are grouped along with all other goods and property, without rights.
According to the commentary in the Harper Collins Study Bible, polygamy was still a common practice. Adultery was defined as “intercourse between a married woman and any man but her husband.” (p.118) Considering women were property, the act of adultery would have been an attack on the woman’s husband. Sleeping with a man’s wife would have been comparable to stealing a man’s ox. It is a matter of property laws, not necessarily marriage fidelity. While it permisable for a married man to have sex with multiple women, provided they are his wives or single women, it is not permisable for a man to have sex with another man’s wife.
While the initial command to “not commit adultery” (Ex 20:14) is directed at men, their female counterparts are often heavily punished. Both Leviticus and Deuteronomy prescribe the “proper” punishment for those who commit adultery; death. “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteres shall be put to death.” (Lev 20:10) and “If a man is caught lying with the wife of another man, both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman as well as the woman.” (Deut 22:22) The book of Numbers describes the steps a man should take if he believes his wife is being unfaithful, none of which include confronting the suspected male adulterer.
In the Gospels Jesus is recorded as taking the definition of adultery one step further, stating that “everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in heart.” (Mat 5:28) Once again, this command is directed only at men. Jesus is also attributed with the statement “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mar 10:11-12) These admonitions lead the reader to the conclusion that, despite the numerous Judaic laws against adultery, it was an on-going problem within society.
Laws are often put into place as a solution to a problem; in the case of Exodus, and even the New Testament, the issue at hand is the lack of respect towards a man’s property. Just as one should not covet another’s land or livestock, they should not look with lust upon another’s wife/wives. These two commandments further embed male domination over women in the culture of Israel.
Source:
The Harper Collins Study Bible. New Revised Standard Version. Wayne Meeks, ed. Harper Collins.
The Seventh and Tenth Commandments
These two commandments reinforce the ongoing male-dominated, patriarchal system that has been presented thus far in the texts. The command to not commit adultery does not initially appear gender-biased until one looks more closely at the tenth commandment.
The tenth commandment states that “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Ex 20:17) This command appears to only apply to free men; men wealthy enough to possess property. Wives are grouped along with all other goods and property, without rights.
According to the commentary in the Harper Collins Study Bible, polygamy was still a common practice. Adultery was defined as “intercourse between a married woman and any man but her husband.” (p.118) Considering women were property, the act of adultery would have been an attack on the woman’s husband. Sleeping with a man’s wife would have been comparable to stealing a man’s ox. It is a matter of property laws, not necessarily marriage fidelity. While it permisable for a married man to have sex with multiple women, provided they are his wives or single women, it is not permisable for a man to have sex with another man’s wife.
While the initial command to “not commit adultery” (Ex 20:14) is directed at men, their female counterparts are often heavily punished. Both Leviticus and Deuteronomy prescribe the “proper” punishment for those who commit adultery; death. “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteres shall be put to death.” (Lev 20:10) and “If a man is caught lying with the wife of another man, both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman as well as the woman.” (Deut 22:22) The book of Numbers describes the steps a man should take if he believes his wife is being unfaithful, none of which include confronting the suspected male adulterer.
In the Gospels Jesus is recorded as taking the definition of adultery one step further, stating that “everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in heart.” (Mat 5:28) Once again, this command is directed only at men. Jesus is also attributed with the statement “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mar 10:11-12) These admonitions lead the reader to the conclusion that, despite the numerous Judaic laws against adultery, it was an on-going problem within society.
Laws are often put into place as a solution to a problem; in the case of Exodus, and even the New Testament, the issue at hand is the lack of respect towards a man’s property. Just as one should not covet another’s land or livestock, they should not look with lust upon another’s wife/wives. These two commandments further embed male domination over women in the culture of Israel.
Source:
The Harper Collins Study Bible. New Revised Standard Version. Wayne Meeks, ed. Harper Collins.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Almost to Reading Week...
Good morning! I am sitting in a dark, empty classroom, listening to Pandora, and waiting for class to start in...wow, I'm earlier than I thought! Class doesn't start for half an hour. Oh well!
Today is Thursday of week 6 in my first semester of theological studies. Next week is the long awaited, coveted blessing that is given to us by the university, aka, reading week. During reading week, there are no classes, and we all get the chance to get caught up and/or get ahead in our reading/papers for the rest of the semester. It is going to be wonderful! A lot of students are going home, but because I have commitments here in Madison, and at school, I will be staying at Drew. Hopefully this will be a wonderfully productive week (crossing fingers!).
This weekend my family is coming up to visit!! Not all of my family, but half of them. Lauren (my sister) is visiting a college in northern Jersey on Monday, so she, my mother, and father will come and stay with me Saturday and Sunday. It will be so good to see them- I wish Sarah could come as well, but she has school on Monday. Boo Baltimore County, not giving students off for Columbus Day! I'm so excited to see them, because I miss my family. ANNNND....they will meet Evan!!
Who is Evan? Evan is my boyfriend. : ) I am so happy- he's a great guy, and he treats me wonderfully. It's so nice to be with someone who shares the same interests as you, respects you, and sincerely likes you. He is such a genuine, kind-hearted person, I already consider myself deeply blessed to have him in my life. For possibly the first time ever, I can be completely honest with my partner (to borrow m friend Shannon's term) about anything and everything. In addition to being intelligent, kind, and musical, he's also an AWESOME cook! I may, for the first time ever, pack on those 15 lbs. people talk about when living at college, lol.
Coming to Drew has been such a wonderful change for me, in soooo many ways. Thanks to God, everyday, for the community I have become a part of.
Here come my classmates! Time for church history...I think we're talking about St. Augustine today, who, as my teacher says, probably should have participated in a "12 step sex" challenged program. LOL.
Blessings!!
Today is Thursday of week 6 in my first semester of theological studies. Next week is the long awaited, coveted blessing that is given to us by the university, aka, reading week. During reading week, there are no classes, and we all get the chance to get caught up and/or get ahead in our reading/papers for the rest of the semester. It is going to be wonderful! A lot of students are going home, but because I have commitments here in Madison, and at school, I will be staying at Drew. Hopefully this will be a wonderfully productive week (crossing fingers!).
This weekend my family is coming up to visit!! Not all of my family, but half of them. Lauren (my sister) is visiting a college in northern Jersey on Monday, so she, my mother, and father will come and stay with me Saturday and Sunday. It will be so good to see them- I wish Sarah could come as well, but she has school on Monday. Boo Baltimore County, not giving students off for Columbus Day! I'm so excited to see them, because I miss my family. ANNNND....they will meet Evan!!
Who is Evan? Evan is my boyfriend. : ) I am so happy- he's a great guy, and he treats me wonderfully. It's so nice to be with someone who shares the same interests as you, respects you, and sincerely likes you. He is such a genuine, kind-hearted person, I already consider myself deeply blessed to have him in my life. For possibly the first time ever, I can be completely honest with my partner (to borrow m friend Shannon's term) about anything and everything. In addition to being intelligent, kind, and musical, he's also an AWESOME cook! I may, for the first time ever, pack on those 15 lbs. people talk about when living at college, lol.
Coming to Drew has been such a wonderful change for me, in soooo many ways. Thanks to God, everyday, for the community I have become a part of.
Here come my classmates! Time for church history...I think we're talking about St. Augustine today, who, as my teacher says, probably should have participated in a "12 step sex" challenged program. LOL.
Blessings!!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Busy Busy Week
As the title clearly states, this is an extremely busy week. Now that classes have been in session a few weeks, all the clubs and organizations are starting back up. I really don't have time to write a full-blown entry, but here's a list of all the things I've gotten myself in to, in addition to classes, working in the Theo. Admissions office, and serving the United Methodist Church in Madison.
Introduction to the New Testament Bible Study- participant and facilitator (held at the church)
Choir- at the church
Spectrum- the LGBTQ (and allies) group within the Theo School
TSA- representative on the University Program Board
Beatitudes Society- www.beatitudessociety.org
reader's theatre performance of a play by a professor in the Theo School
phew!
AND, once TERRA (Transforming Ecological and Religious Resources into Action) begins, I will probably become involved in that.
Alrighty, now off to school for a day full of classes and meetings.
Peace!
Introduction to the New Testament Bible Study- participant and facilitator (held at the church)
Choir- at the church
Spectrum- the LGBTQ (and allies) group within the Theo School
TSA- representative on the University Program Board
Beatitudes Society- www.beatitudessociety.org
reader's theatre performance of a play by a professor in the Theo School
phew!
AND, once TERRA (Transforming Ecological and Religious Resources into Action) begins, I will probably become involved in that.
Alrighty, now off to school for a day full of classes and meetings.
Peace!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Oh Monday...
Good morning, one and all.
Today finds me chilly, tired, and a bit frustrated.
Chilly is easily explained- it is almost autumn, and it is getting much cooler up here, although they are predicting a high of 80 today, so hopefully I will warm up soon. I don't like being cold.
I am tired because I'm a seminary student! I have a lot of work to do today, and hopefully I will get it all done. I did not sleep well all last week, so I pray that this week will be different.
Now, as to why I am frustrated...
There are several reasons. One is that I still do not have hot water. It has been over a week (this is day 9)and while it could be MUCH worse, it is still beginning to get old. However, they are supposed to come and replace the hot water heater and boiler tomorrow, so soon I will be a very happy camper.
Secondly, I am frustrated with men. What else is new, lol. Just, simple things like, make your intentions/desires clear. If you just want to be friends, make that obvious. If you're going to walk a girl home, walk her home. If you say you're going to call tomorrow, make sure you call. Little things like that.
Thirdly...last night was supposed to be the first youth meeting at my new church in my new position. I got icecream and toppings, planned good welcome activities, got my house all cleaned...guess how many showed up.
ZERO
Now, I understand that school just started, and I understand that they have homework and projects (projects? already?) and I understand that fall sports have started...but I am still disappointed. I am trying to remain positive, and to just cheerfully say, "We'll try again next week," but the tired, chilly, frustrated part of me is trying to take it personally. *sigh*
I need to get started on my To-Do list...Biblical Lit. paper, here I come.
Today finds me chilly, tired, and a bit frustrated.
Chilly is easily explained- it is almost autumn, and it is getting much cooler up here, although they are predicting a high of 80 today, so hopefully I will warm up soon. I don't like being cold.
I am tired because I'm a seminary student! I have a lot of work to do today, and hopefully I will get it all done. I did not sleep well all last week, so I pray that this week will be different.
Now, as to why I am frustrated...
There are several reasons. One is that I still do not have hot water. It has been over a week (this is day 9)and while it could be MUCH worse, it is still beginning to get old. However, they are supposed to come and replace the hot water heater and boiler tomorrow, so soon I will be a very happy camper.
Secondly, I am frustrated with men. What else is new, lol. Just, simple things like, make your intentions/desires clear. If you just want to be friends, make that obvious. If you're going to walk a girl home, walk her home. If you say you're going to call tomorrow, make sure you call. Little things like that.
Thirdly...last night was supposed to be the first youth meeting at my new church in my new position. I got icecream and toppings, planned good welcome activities, got my house all cleaned...guess how many showed up.
ZERO
Now, I understand that school just started, and I understand that they have homework and projects (projects? already?) and I understand that fall sports have started...but I am still disappointed. I am trying to remain positive, and to just cheerfully say, "We'll try again next week," but the tired, chilly, frustrated part of me is trying to take it personally. *sigh*
I need to get started on my To-Do list...Biblical Lit. paper, here I come.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
First Week Recap
I did it- I survived my first week of theological studies. Yippee!!! It has been a really awesome week. I like all of my classes, and am looking forward to what I will learn from them. Choir is going to be a lot of fun, and Ultimate on Friday was a blast. We had a birthday party for a fellow student Thursday night, attended a gathering on Friday, then I had a few people over Saturday. This morning I wore several hats in church- everyone was on vacation! I was the organist, led the service, and preached. Everything went very well, and it was so nice to look out in the congregation and see the first few pews full of my new Drew friends, there to support me. Thank you guys so much! I am blessed to know them, and it's only been one week! Well, two if you count orientation...
This upcoming week should be good. Labor Day is tomorrow, and we are having a small BBQ over at the theo. dorms. Thursday is my first day working in the theo. admissions office, and then Friday through Saturday is a fall retreat at Ocean Grove. Sunday is the first youth group meeting, so I'll be gearing up for that. Yup, it's going to be a good week.
Peace and blessings to all.
PS: I don't have hot water...thankfully, everyone has been very generous and offered me the use of their showers. Hopefully this won't last long.
This upcoming week should be good. Labor Day is tomorrow, and we are having a small BBQ over at the theo. dorms. Thursday is my first day working in the theo. admissions office, and then Friday through Saturday is a fall retreat at Ocean Grove. Sunday is the first youth group meeting, so I'll be gearing up for that. Yup, it's going to be a good week.
Peace and blessings to all.
PS: I don't have hot water...thankfully, everyone has been very generous and offered me the use of their showers. Hopefully this won't last long.
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